THE MUDDY TALKER’S BIT.

"I’m the Hiphopapotamus, my lyrics are bottomless”, as the man said.

If you didn’t get into to Hamilton for the Waikato Winter Show 2008 New Zealand Offroad Short Course Championship (puff! puff!) over the weekend of 23 to 25 May, talk to someone who did. Then ask yourself why you didn’t go. Yeah, I know the prestigious Woodhill 100 is only a couple of days away, so what? You’re all a bunch of pussies, big, fat, lazy, useless, fluffy, neutered toms.

Now that I have got your attention. If, as the good Phil Hagan hopes, this becomes a regular date on the calendar, and if the two events can be eased a week or three apart, you’ve got to have a crack at this place. Everyone involved, apart from Paul Sutton (ask him!) from the smartarseiest smartarse pit kid to the wisest, most grizzled old driver was buzzing, even the grumpy couldn’t stay grumpy.

You’ve all no doubt checked out the track map on the website, and it was as tight as it looked. As evidenced by the stray lengths of red tape draped all over the show, not to mention the blue, water-filled steel drums marking the corners, which by Sunday afternoon looked like they had just emerged from a retreating glacier down McMurdo-way. And it was billiard table-smooth, too, but the lads soon fixed that! There were several jumps around the track, they were smooth too, one or three of which were cleverly placed, in braking areas, and suchlike. The off-track facilities were first-rate, with plenty of room in the pits, decent food and clean dunnies. And 50-odd drivers who turned up with their race faces on.

It’s reasonable to assume that you guys don’t want to hear all about the rides, the displays, the Medieval thing they had going on, the race Mini in the hall, or even about the cute little ponga kiwi I bought for a friend’s garden. Nope, not you boring lot, all you want to know about is the racing. But tell mum there’s enough going on to keep the kids occupied for a couple of hours while you slide off and do a bit of motor racing.

So, what about the racing? Well, there was more than one old hand saying that that was probably the best short course racing they had ever seen, topping the Meremere event a few years ago. From the first heat bracket Saturday morning, until the checkered flag finally fell on the final (only I would dare that!), Sunday afternoon, it was game on!

Without a word of a lie, it wasn’t just the eagerly awaited contest between Tony McCall and Ian Foster for the Class 1 title, but that everyone was having a red hot go. For instance, and lap it up guys as you hardly got a mention all weekend, Richard McGuire and Peter May. Who? Just a couple of guys, you know, out on a sunny day doing a bit of offroad racing, and having their own private little battle, admittedly getting lapped 47 times in the 15 lap A Main.

But that was it, you see, there was commitment oozing out of everything in sight. Best illustrated by the fantastic two-day performance from Tony and Ian. In his sinister black 07 Cougar, Tony is a showman, and he’d be the first one to admit it. Some of his antics out there in his race car are pure circus. But he also displayed his uncanny ability to drove around the outside of anybody in a corner, the inside front wheel waving goodbye. He best showed how bloody good he is (are you reading this, boss?) by holding off Clive Thornton’s 3.8 liter V6-poweered Southern Cross two-seater for two laps to win one heat. Accomplished with a left rear tyre flatter than a possum on Te Irirangi Drive, and on a mostly right-handed track, too. Now, I shouldn’t have to explain that, right? Right. It wasn’t a perfect score though, Ian making sure he snaffled one top spot to keep the young fella on his toes.

So, what about that old bugger, Ian bloody Foster, eh? You’d think at his age, he’d be out coaching a retirement village indoor bowls team, but not our Stan, oh no. If he is not as fast or as competitive, or even as sharp as he was back in the day, then I’m a French agent with a rubber dinghy. Having sorted out a few braking issues, Ian had the Tamiya car absolutely flying.  Again, it wasn’t a faultless performance, as, in one heat, he fell into a hole, stalled, got tagged by Tony, and lost the lead (dick!). Then, later on, he tripped over Clive, going all the way over. I’ll tell you what though, that was the smartest recovery I’ve seen in ages. There’s an old maxim in motor racing, about dipping the clutch when about to seriously embarrass oneself, of which, doubtlessly, Ian is well aware. That car hadn’t stopped rocking itself back into shape before two rooster tails of best Waikato soil, nicely crumbled, spat skyward. Bugger me, but an 18 year old would die for reactions like that. And Ian’s, what, over 42 or thereabouts? And, he just keeps coming. Tony said at prize giving, that he relaxed a bit towards the end of A Main, until he realized that Ian was still full of racing and coming fast, which gave him a decided wake-up call.

Before moving on to the rest of the loonies, I should make mention of one or two other Class 1 drivers. Clive’s car is more of an enduro car, although he gives as good as he gets, But, two laps, mate? Robert Ryan’s needs are the same as Curly Davies’. More flamin’ power, mate! Bring on the kilowatts, lads, and the results will come. A couple of good results this season can only be an encouragement to Robert.

You’d have to reckon Jeff Barton had come along especially to spoil Lindsay Pointon’s and Mal Langley’s weekend, the dark horse in Class 3/Super 1600 taking a win, and generally being a nuisance with a feisty performance. The real fight though, was between Lindsay and Mal, and it lasted all weekend, the two of them going at it hammer and tongs, boots and all, no quarter asked sort of thing. With both of them right on their game, it was a highlight of the event. On Sunday afternoon, there was only two points in it, the advantage going to Lindsay. A tie would have been a fair result, but there you go.

Does any really stupid person out there harbour secret thoughts that Geoff Matich is a so-so driver? If there is such a unique, thick-as-a-timber-yard-full-of-short-planks sort of cousin-lovers’ offspring, I suggest mercy killing. I mentioned a hole, the one that caught Ian out. Geoff was using this hole to slingshot underneath his rivals at this corner, at will. I watched him do it on two or three occasions, absolutely cold-cocking Glen Goosen at least once. Like Tony, it didn’t matter where he started from on the grid in the little black Challenger, he won going away, giving his opposition a bit of a hiding. Glen and Shane Porter did their damnedest to keep in touch, while keeping a wary eye on each other, ducking and diving, bobbing and weaving, and trying to figure out the current points tally. Keith “Paul” Thomas kept sticking his nose in from time to time, just to keep the pot boiling. Talking to Geoff over the weekend, he told me that his car suited the track I’d say it suited Geoff, to, waddaya reckon?

If it says in the program Class 5/Super 1300, and a bloke called Dean Graham is entered, it’s a pretty good bet that you would be ticking him off for a bunch of points. Which he duly got. But, alas and alack, the universe’s biggest Ewok, Andrew Wilton got more. Game! Man, those two aren’t scared of each other, are they? There’s a lot of respect too, but with neither willing to give a centimeter, if either of them lose their bottle, it would take a week for the dust to settle. If in front , they sat in the middle of the track, a very clever move on a tight track, or, if behind, chased like the Hounds of Hell. Paul Eastall was the best-of-the-rest, being just quick enough to be a bit of a nuisance to Dean and Andrew.

Over there in truck land, things looked grim when Gary Baker put the Nissan Navarra on the trailer early, with a busted transfer box. With no spare handy, that was that. Never mind, Raana Horan and Scott Nicholls were about to put on a show. Raana’s howling, supercharged Patrol would come out the winner, but not without working hard to keep away from Scott, whose truck didn’t last the full distance. That Raana, just watch that space. He’s sorta appeared out of the Kaipara gloom, armed with a wickedly quick farm hack packing a blower and $4k-a-piece shocks, and immediately become a threat to the establishment. Rumour has it that he is building a new truck, too. Be afraid!

Nigel Newlands, with no serious opposition, walked the ProTrucks class, his highlight probably starting from scratch in the A Main. During which he drove the trousers off the Pajero. An interesting contest arose towards the end of that race, when Geoff caught up to Nigel, because Geoff couldn’t get passed the flying Paj, and Shane was all over the back of Geoff’s car like a rash. As this was a battle for track position, nobody was giving way to anybody. All good stuff, and that was how they finished.

Well, what a very good weekend for the profile of our sport that was. Despite the bickering that went on before the event, the nay-sayers and nihilists, the sleep deprivation and last minute snafus, I reckon Phil and his team pulled it off. Okay, it wasn’t perfect, what is? But with Phil hammering away at it, and with encouragement and support, this event will become the must-see attraction at a must-see winter show.

Personally, I love the place. Used to being stuck 20 metres up a cherrypicker in the middle of the bush somewhere, or plonked in the middle of a rain-soaked muddy paddock, yours truly got a second storey view through large windows, a comfortable easy chair, and carpet to walk on. I may be getting soft, but Phil, I love you like a brother.

See you at the motor races.

Dink Madden.

P.S. About that line at the start; with Phil Dark sharing the commentary duties, it just never stopped. It was better when we remembered to turn the mikes off, but you buggers will never know.

P.P.S. Watch out for the next Suzuki Extreme program on the telly, as the camera Yarpies tell me they got all the good bits.